We've had our referral for several weeks now. The emotions we've experienced during this time have been far more complex than I expected. Many people describe the elation, the instant connection they feel to that child on their computer screen. We felt--shock. Our little one looks so terribly terribly scared and sad in her picture. Her little limbs are pencil-thin from malnutrition. Her newly shaved head is gigantic in comparison.
And she already has a mom.
When we stared at the picture of this big-eyed 13 month old we thought, this little girl doesn't want a new family. She's wants the mommy she's loved for the first twelve months of her life.
What sadness we've felt that this poor little child was ripped away from everything familiar in her life. Part of us says, "Can't we find some way for child and mom to stay together?"
Prior to our referral, we knew our daughter might have living relatives. As an abstract idea it was not so difficult to accept. When you're staring at a sad little face who just wants her mommy, the tears come.
Our little one is on her own now, learning a new way to live in Holt's care center while we wait to pass court. Just when she's had time to adapt to life in an orphanage--bam--we will swoop in, snatch her away from her new fragile familiarity and traumatize her all over again.
We hope she will forgive us.
We long to hold her tight and shower her with kisses and tell her that we'll make it all better. That everything will be all right.
Joy built on pain. It's difficult.
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There are so many gain and losses for everyone involved in the adoption process. Part of helping your daughter through this process is to allow for acknowlegement and healing of those losses and to celebrate the gains, which you are already doing. You are a good momma. Thank you for voicing these thoughts that do through every adoptive parent's mind.
ReplyDeleteShe will forgive you. Our daughter was 3 and looked sad at referral, sobbed when she saw us enter the room and sobbed when we took her from the care center. It is really hard and after the trip it is even harder for a while. There is a lot of loss and honestly the concern and worry for her Ethiopian family is present every day. It is also beautiful and our little one is a bright shining light...and very, very happy. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteI can so relate!!!! We have our referral of a beautiful 2 year old boy (in Dec. he will be 2)
ReplyDeleteand those thoughts have crossed my mind. I hope we don't scar him for life!!!! Thank you for sharing!!! -Rachel F. Madison,WI
Going through Holt for our adoption, our referral of our boy was in Aug.
Hey there- I just came across your blog this morning and wanted to encuorage you! I have had all of those feelings you talked about and this past month God has shown me something really awesome. He reminded me that in His word He promises to give us a "garment of praise" INSTEAD of "mourning". So we as "new" parents don't have to build joy upon sorrow, He can actually heal the sorrow and replace it with joy. To me that was so encouraging to remember in this journey that can be so long and so hard! Blessings to you and speed to your journey!
ReplyDeleteCarrie Lantry
http://lantryadoption.blogspot.com
Hello,
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog and would love the opportunity to talk with you further about your experience with Holt. My e-mail is camlynnrb@yahoo.com. Thank you so much,
Cami
It's definitely joy built on pain. For me, its something that brings me to tears but also brings me to my knees to pray for a mom/dad who has entrusted Holt with their child's future. What heros they are! And how amazing that God lets us play a role in it all!
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