The Waiting Blues

The waiting blues have got me.

I know I'm not the only one to feel them. All the blogs I read have at least one entry on the misery of waiting. Some expectant parents get through it with prayer. So far, my strategy has been: moping.

When that doesn't help, I scour other blogs' timelines. "They only waited a month after their referral to pass court," I grump. "This family learned their court date only two weeks after they were matched with their baby."

I refuse to consider the families who have been waiting since summer to pass court. The thought of waiting more than four months for a court date is too much for me to bear.

My moods are dictated by the news on the Holt board. Two weeks ago, when a flurry of court dates were issued and parents were passing court without even knowing they'd been assigned a date, I was euphoric. "Maybe we'll travel in January!" I thought to myself.

Then, just before Thanksgiving, several families who have been waiting a long time had their Nov. court dates rescheduled to late December. That's when my blues hit.

I haven't been able to look at little e's picture on the fridge for several days. I feel like I'm letting her down. She needs us. We need her. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I feel helpless. Never before have I been so frustrated by bureaucracy.

And I haven't even been waiting that long.

I can only imagine my reaction once we finally do get a court date--two minutes of euphoria followed by a month of worry that we won't pass. I guess I just need to accept that I'm going to be a big wreck for awhile.

In the meantime, I've read about something called retail therapy on other blogs. Perhaps I'll give that technique a try.